


What the Hell is Normal, Anyway

by niciasus



Category: Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-06
Updated: 2006-03-06
Packaged: 2017-10-04 05:35:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niciasus/pseuds/niciasus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ennis strives for normalcy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What the Hell is Normal, Anyway

"Come on, cowboy," Cassie said, reaching over and grabbing his hand, "One more dance." Her lips turned up to sassiness. It was clear she had more on her mind than just dancing.

Some song whined over the loud speakers of the jukebox, lamenting heartbreak, sadness, and loneliness. Ennis wanted to get out of there. He said nothing, squirmed in his seat, and ignored the pull of her presence, eyes clearly focused at some point other than Cassie.

"Please, Ennis," he heard her begged prettily. She stood up and sashayed her way round to Ennis's side of the table.

"Aw right," he said, glancing up and seeing her well shaped body moving to the music. She got him here, he might as well pretend at having a good time. Cassie would pester him like ants swarming on honey-covered skin.

They danced a slow dance, off beat, tiny movements, shifting against each other. He wasn't much of a dancer Cassie had told him once. He'd told her he didn't see no reason fer doing something that didn't put food on the table. Surviving was his point.

He draped arms over her shoulders, careful of the pressure of his weight with her being such a tiny, little thing. Cassie pushed in closer, her breasts brushing up against him, arms slung around his waist, melting down stiffness, warming him up.

"Ennis," she whispered, the side of her face leaving a spot of heat on his threadbare shirt. Her hips twisted right across his groin. Brazen woman.

"Yup."

"We can leave after this dance," she said looking up at him with a mixture of sweet, wanton smile on her face.

"Sure enough," he said, giving her a hump and pulling her in closer to him.

Cassie slid her hands down to his ass.

He gazed out to the dance floor, saw other couples rocking in place or pushing out their feet, men leading their women in slow and seductive movements. Ennis recognized something; he could be one of them. Men taking time out for their women folk. Normal, maybe. That stuff with Jack, Mexico, those harsh words said to each other, that stuff happened up there in those mountains. Here he could be normal.

Ennis grasped with callous fingers soft hair scented with the sickly sweet smell of roses and smoothed it down Cassie's back.

Cassie raising her head to Ennis. "You wan' a leave now?"

"Uh, not yet." Ennis smiled down at Cassie; the first real one since they walked into the bar. He pressed her head back to his chest and rested his chin on the top of her head, closing his eyes.

Another sad and slow song blared through the room. They didn't stop, but kept right on stepping to the new tune. Moving slowly, body changing position, dipping down to the pressing of hips, Cassie followed his lead, and he was feeling it, the ordinary sense of their togetherness.

A view of the floor opened up to Ennis like the sun clearing away a hazy film. The newly captured feeling crashed, seized by intense longing, and with it came the need to lash out and the need to run. In his head Jack replaced Cassie within his arms. Brilliant need shot through Ennis.

Moseying along without a care to the world, checking out the faces of the customers hanging about. His aim obviously to the bar, Jack spotted Ennis, eyes softened in recognition. Ennis averted his head, turning away. Did the people in the room see him? Did the unbearable need mark him?

"Ennis, somethin' a matter?"

"Naw," he said, then let go of Cassie and stalked off the dance floor.

"The song still playing." Cassie rushing up behind Ennis, grabbing an arm, disappointment obvious in her voice.

Signaling the waitress he was ready to pay the bar tab, he told Cassie, "Tire. Ready to go." He grabbed her wrist with two fingers and removed his arm from her hold.

"Okay." Cassie resigned to no more dancing and put on a cheerful face. "I'll be right back."

"Where you goin'?" Annoyed at Cassie refusing to cooperate.

"To the ladies' room. Then we go home, cowboy."

"Okay," he said, nervously pulling the brim of his hat further down onto his face.

He waited until Cassie had disappeared from sight. Then snuck a look over at Jack by the bar, old black hat riding low on his forehead, partially covering up those eyes; Ennis knew Jack was seeing what he saw. Turning to the waitress he said a might loud, "Ella Mae. You tell Cassie I be a waiting fer her outside, you hear?" A shot glass in his hand, he tipped it up and drained the whiskey that had been waiting for him in one swallow.

"Sure enough, Ennis."

~~~~

Cigarette smoke drifted in the lamp-lit night, curling in the cold air. Like many small towns, Riverton calling the end of the day meant the town shut down at the first sign of the sun fading beyond the horizon. The blade of night had slithered in, melting down the grayness to pitch black. Most people retired early with nothing much else to do but maybe catch some television if they could afford one. Even the young ones didn't go to the bar, preferring someplace more lively outside of Riverton.

The bar door squeaked open, out came Jack with a smile splitting his face, but none of Jack's tendency to foolishness. They were older but one thing about Jack Twist, hidden under skin starting to crinkle and under shirts a stomach given to paunchiness; he still was the same boy he'd met on Brokeback years ago.

But tonight Ennis wasn't having any of the old Jack the young one without a lick of sense. He kept on smoking, inhaling anger and the bitter taste of betrayal.

Jack catching on to Ennis's mood, stopped long enough to ask one question, "You at the same place?" The sunshine smile fading from his face. He stared at Ennis as though he could peel back the skin on his body and plant himself there like a tree.

Ennis peered down one side of the street and then up the other side, nodded his head yes and lacked a welcome for a friend. Jack strolled by. It was after Jack had his back to him; Ennis took full measure of the man.

"Why you out here?" asked Cassie, coming down the one lone step.

"Thought you would a move faster if you a known I was out here."

"Can't make us women go faster." Cassie entwined her arm around Ennis's as they hurried to the truck.

Well, shit, how well did he a know that.

~~~~

Cassie's place was about five miles outside of town. Said she disliked living out there on the wide stretch of plains with nothing but the walls of mountains bolstering up the scenery and pure bleakness keeping her company. Cassie did all the talking. Most times he enjoyed hearing her going ons about work at some damn factory. Listened with a half ear to her complaints about girlfriends he hadn't met. She talked and he kept quiet. Suited him just fine.

It just didn't seem right. A beautiful woman practically crawling in his lap, her fingers teasing him, roaming up and down the inside of his thigh. His dick screamed hell no and laid flaccid beneath underwear and worn jeans. Ennis blamed Jack Twist. And he squeezed himself up tight, withdrawing close to the window on the driver's side. It was a good thing Cassie couldn't see his face real clear with only a few lampposts lighting up the road. Cassie too busy yapping and feeling him up to notice anything wrong.

They rode up the gravel driveway and stopped in front of a squared-box house. Putting the gear into park and leaving the engine running, Ennis leaned back gazing down at the steering wheel.

"Come on in. Let me fix my cowboy a drink." She opened the door to the truck.

"Cassie, umm. It's best I be on my way home."

She tried peering at him through the dismal night. "Why? You feeling alright?"

"I'm real sorry, Cassie."

"Ennis. I hardly ever get to see you. I had to run you down for two months. You wouldn't even be here if I didn't come by the ranch. " She leaned over to him, her hand stroking down his arm, "Come on. I won't bite."

"You know how it is. Them cows get to calvin' and me working long, hard hours. I had a damn rough week, Cassie," he said, avoiding her face.

"That's all you do, work, work, work," she said, quite annoyed. "Spend weekends with the kids. Disappear out of sight. Have no time for me." Her voice caught up in anguish, then faded away in misery.

Ennis couldn't face Cassie, flinching at every true word she'd said. He didn't enjoy hurting her. She was a good woman and treated him rather fine. But… "What's a man to do?" he asked. "All I knows is ranching. It pays the bills and put a roof over m' head." With the flip of a penny, Ennis Del Mar hated Jack Twist even more for destroying the stupid illusion he'd gathered inside his head.

"I don't get you, Ennis. We were having a good time. I thought… I just don't get it." Cassie jumped out of the pickup. Slammed the door shut, causing Ennis to almost jump out of his skin, and flounced her way to the house.

Putting his foot on the accelerator, Ennis peeled out of there like a jack rabbit. Dust kicking up into the air, hovering in the headlights. Almost to the highway, Ennis suddenly pressed down on the brakes and the pickup skidded to a dead stop. He sat there and thought some, yanked down the clutch on the steering wheel and made a u-turn back to Cassie's place.

Somewhere behind him two rounded shaped lights followed him like black hooded ghosts.

~~~~

He lived at an ancient ranch house, once vacant, forty miles from Riverton. He'd chased down the owner and talked the man into letting him stay there. "It's just a sitting there going to waste," he had said.

The owner had agreed, saying, "Well now, Ennis. I guess you can stay out there for cheap, 'til I figure out what the hell to do with the damn place."

The ranch sat fifteen miles from the nearest neighbor. It had two bedrooms, one of them for the girls' use when they visited their daddy.

Jack and his truck were no where in sight. Ennis got out, began stomping back and forth, saying words his mama would've washed out his mouth with soap if she was alive and heard him. He was like a crazy dog, chasing himself on the darkened plains.

Realizing it did him no good taking out his frustration on a pair of boots already in need of repair; Ennis huffed himself up and strode to the house. Went straight to the kitchen leaving off the lights. Hunted for the bottle of whiskey he had stashed in one of the cabinets.

He sat for a long while at the table with just a bit of moon shine beating back gloomy shadows.

"Ennis? Say you there?"

"Here," he grinded through his teeth.

"Where's the fuckin' lights?"

"You 'fraid of the dark, boy," Ennis said, tottering to the living room.

"Hell no." Jack stumbled on something lying on the floor. "Turned on the damn lights afore I kill myself."

"Where the hell you been?" Ennis said, turning on a lamp, which emitted a sick yellow glow. He wasn't that drunk and he could smell Jack.

"Went back to the bar. Gave you and the little miss some space." Jack looked steady on his feet. Hell, Jack could drink him under the table and still look bright eyed and bushy tail.

"What's a Texas boy like you doin' up here?"

"Shit, Ennis. That's the way ya'll feel, I a haul my ass right back out o' that damn door."

Jack wheeled around heading for the door. Ennis flew across the distance belying any notion of drunkenness. Snatching a handful of Jack's jacket, Ennis jerked, Jack stumbled backward. "No, you fuckin' don't, cowboy," he snarled, imprisoning Jack within his arms.

"Son of a bitch." Jack twisted around and tried pushing Ennis off.

But the moment they touched, invisible walls came crashing down. Hands gripped heads, noses smashed and mouths slammed together. Ennis's fury turned into something hot and heavy.

Jack bit Ennis on the lip. "Smell her on you," he said. "Did you fuck her?" Anger contorted Jack's face.

"Hell no." Ennis said honestly. There was no reason to tell Jack he had gone back to Cassie wanting to fix the situation, wanting to grab onto this idea of being normal. Jack's presence in Riverton, just knowing he was close, made it impossible.

"She's a fine looking mare." Jack buried his head in juncture of Ennis's neck and shoulder, body trembling.

"Yep," Ennis drawled, but he wasn't interested in the subject of Cassie. Didn't care much if she was the fattest woman on earth. What he wanted was in his arms. Holding Jack's head, he pulled it back and kissed Jack's mouth to shut him up.

Began walking him backward, feet entangling, Jack mumbled, "I followed you."

"Knew you did, rodeo." Ennis fumbled with buttons, trying to undo them, in between the walking and kissing.

They ended up in the bedroom where coats dropped to the floor; Ennis kicked one of them out of the way. They struggled out of shirts, hands traveling over chests. Ennis shoved, Jack hit the bed flat on his back. Ennis went for the waistband of Jack's jeans, attempting to yank down and off. Jack pushed his hands away, saying, "Git outta of those clothes."

"Don't have to ask twice."

He was on that bed, on top of Jack, the split second his bare skin shivered to the chill in the air. Then the heat, from head to toe, chest to groin, Jack sliding legs over Ennis's hips.

They hadn't done this before, not in the comfort of a bed in a room with four walls surrounding it, inside a house down in the real world. Jack spread out underneath Ennis, holding him in a circle of arms and legs. Pretty soft eyes staring up at him. Something shameful having beautiful eyes with long eyelashes on a man. He thought he saw something haunting in those eyes and he couldn't name it. Ennis didn't want to know.

"Come 'ere, boy," Jack said, reaching up for Ennis for a kiss.

"Son of a bitch," Ennis growled, feeling himself sucked down into tight, hot, muscles.

Ennis rode Jack with the force of a stallion riding his mare. He let it come to him what he'd held back since the last time he saw Jack up there in those mountains. How Jack poured out his heart telling him things he didn't want to hear. How he cried for Jack to let him be.

He stretched out his hand and reached for Jack's. Jack slid his fingers between Ennis's and they held on, together. They grunted and groaned, forcing their bodies closer, becoming a part of the other. Shudders raked through Ennis, a world exploded behind his closed eyelids and when he collapsed Jack caught him, held him like he was a child lost in confusion.

~~~~

Several hours later, Ennis awakened. Rectangle shape of moonlight peeked through the Venetian blinds on the window and lay dormant on the walls of the bedroom. He slowly sat up and let out a whispered groan at the throbbing pressure in his head. Sitting on the side of the bed, snoring sounds grazed his ears. He eased his head around his shoulders, eyes narrowing, Jack slept on his side facing away from him. He sure looked good there in his bed.

He rose and took care of personal needs. When he came back to bed, he slid in and pressed the length of his body against Jack. "Ennis?" Jack said, in a sleep cogged voice.

"Who else?" Ennis started kissing the back of Jack's neck, moving on to his shoulders.

Jack leaned closer to Ennis, pressing back against his chest. Wiggled his ass causing Ennis's dick to throb and to harden. "You ready to go again, cowboy?" he asked.

Ennis bent, licking a spot further down Jack's back and felt the twitching he caused, heard the intake of a raspy breath. He knew all of Jack's hot spots. "You think you can handle this cowboy, rodeo?" he challenged, already more than turned on by the taste of salty, musky skin.

"Day or night, take you on anytime, boy." Jack said with a glint of sleepy humor. He twisted his head over his shoulder, waiting to be kissed by Ennis.

That urgent need to connect had dissipated. What they had now was easy going, lovers of long acquaintance even though the word lover had never entered their vocabulary. Jack lying on his side in Ennis's arms, he lifted his leg over Ennis's hip and pressed back. Ennis entered him, the way made easier from earlier, Jack was slick and loose. They rocked together on a slow pace.

There was nothing in Ennis's experience to compare this with, this thing he had with Jack. Not Alma, Cassie, or any other women he'd been with through the years. He didn't know what to do about it. He could live in the past. He could live for the present. The future was this big dark hole for which he'd no way of crawling out into the light.

He would, though, fuck Jack for as long as he could. Let the slide of pleasure intensify. Let it grow to a consuming, hot, scalding need. As it was doing now.

"Goddamn. So fuckin' good," Jack muttered, reaching over and grabbing Ennis's hand, and together, they pumped up and down Jack's dick. Ennis's thumb rubbed over the sensitive head, feeling the moisture there, the entire cock throbbing to his touch.

Jack tensed in his arms, a loud groaned escaped from his mouth. Ennis worked Jack to completion. "Yeah, darlin'. Let it go'," Ennis said, thinking nothing ever could beat this.

~~~

The smell of strong coffee permeated the air in the kitchen. Ennis stood over the stove, scrambling eggs, the bacon already done, kept warm under the tiniest flame. Blinds half closed on the window, he could see if anyone drove up the road to his place.

Hearing movement behind him, he turned in time to see Jack wandering in wearing jeans, but barefoot and shirtless. "Mornin'," he said, sweeping a hand through bed hair.

"Bout time you got up, sleepyhead." Ennis went back to stirring the eggs.

"Umm… Smells good," Jack said, putting his chin on Ennis's shoulder. "I need coffee. Where you put the cups?"

Ennis pointed, "Over there," and move the skillet over to a cold range.

He got a kiss on the cheek. "You want some of this?" Jack asked.

"Yep."

Jack filled cups with dark steaming coffee and took them over to the table.

"You hungry?"

"I can eat a horse 'bout now."

Ennis put cooked eggs, bacon, and toasts on two plates. Glanced to the window before taking the plates over to sit one in front of Jack and the other to the open spot at the table. He swung a leg over the chair. Sat down and begun eating his food.

A question had been running through his mind since getting up this morning. Actually, it was there last night, but he wasn't in the condition to ask. "How you find me?"

"Didn't." Jack mumbled, chomping down on food. He swallowed and then said, "Some damn luck, I guess. Came here. Saw the place closed up tight. Wasn't sure you'd a still be here."

"Thought you'd a find the answer in a bar?" Ennis said, looking up at Jack.

"Where's the harm. Didn't come to Riverton for no motel room."

"Why did ya'll come?" Demons ready to rear its ugly head, this was a brand new day.

Jack gave Ennis a curious look. He leaned back in the chair and said, "You angry I busted up your night with the miss?" Pretty doe eyes drooped in a sad smile. Ennis shielded himself from that look.

"No," he said with honesty. Last night had made him realize Cassie and him would never be more than what they were to each other. He doubted he could ever be normal.

"Had to a make a sales call over at Cheyenne. I was here in Wyoming. Thought I would run up this way. Ain't nothing but a stone throw to Riverton." Jack ate another bite of his food.

"Yeah, I guess," said Ennis, sitting uneasy at the table.

Both seemed intent on not discussing the last time they'd met in the mountains. Jack went over to the stove for more coffee. "You want more?" he asked raising the coffee pot.

"Naw."

Returning back to his seat, Jack said, "Friend, this here is kind of a nice."

Jack looked relaxed in his kitchen like he belonged there. Reminded Ennis of time they were up there in Don Wroe's cabin, the one other time they'd spent time together inside instead out in the open in God's country. If he shut his eyes he could imagine living with Jack in peace with no one around bothering them. It was nothing but a dream and the reality was years of being chased by tire irons and here was Jack inviting them in.

This was not Don Wroe's cabin and they were several miles away from a town full of people. "You can't stay."

"Why?" Jack said. The fork in his hand dropped to the plate. Ennis hated the look on Jack's face, twisted his stare to some point on the table so he couldn't see the result of his decision.

"You know the situation. It ain't safe." Anyone could come like Cassie did yesterday without an invitation. Like hell.

"We fuckin out in the middle of no where," Jack yelled.

"Don't matter. You know what will happen if someone find out about us. You waltzed in that there bar like you'd no care in the world."

"How would anyone know? A man can drink where he please, Ennis."

"I'm sorry, Jack." Ennis sat back in his chair and crossed his arms. Lips pursed, tight enough a hammer break them apart.

Jack sat for the longest, staring at Ennis, silence biting his tongue. That new Jack, the one he sometimes didn't recognize. Quiet and introspective. Ennis feeling kind of bad all over, but he wouldn't budge from a decision he'd made a long time ago.

"Yeah, okay. Aw right." Jack pushed himself out of the chair and stood up. His hands dropped flat on the table with a thump. He leaned down, head sticking out from his shoulders. "You know, friend. After our last blowup, I felt mighty bad. Knew I said some pretty awful things. Don't matter the truth of it. Never wanted to quit you. Tell you what, if I ain't ever told you anything else I'll tell you this. I love you, friend. Love you more than I can stand."

Ennis sat stunned and watched Jack hurrying out of his life again. He withered inside but held firm, wouldn't allow the emotion to break him down like it did last time. He sat glued to the chair.

Jack had crossed a line Ennis didn't even know was there. All he could hear were the words said by Jack. Jack loved him.

~~~~

Cigarette smoke escaped lips strung tights as a violin string across the bow. Twirled and curled in the air and then hovered in yellow beams of a day gone dulled. A truck drove over the highway in the far distance as he stood by the window.

A door slammed shut in the house; the cigarette butt flew in the kitchen sink with the flick of the fingers. Ennis grabbed his lighter from the window sill and lit up another one. His mouth clamped down on the paper tip. A hand shook as he held it drawing smoke into his lungs.

Jack got in his truck and started the engine. Ennis saw the truck wobbling from side to side as he backed it up and swung around in a hard left. Up the road he sped, dust and gravel spewing in the air from spinning tires. Jack didn't look back not one time.

They had come full circle. In 1963, he'd watched the back of Jack's old, broken-down, black pickup ride out of Signal. Twenty years later, the same scene, different truck, different place, and a horrible thought came over Ennis. Will he ever see Jack again?

Ennis didn't recollect how long he stood at that window. He finally roused up enough energy to stumble to the bedroom. The room so quiet he heard himself breathing. The bed was a mess. He began stripping off the sheets, but a scent rose to his nose. A hint of last night. He buried his face in the sheets smelling the musty, sweet smell of Jack lingering in the material. In the bathroom he dumped them in a clothe sack set aside for dirty clothes.

Pain slashed through his body. Followed by a bout of nausea so strong he was over the toilet in seconds upchucking breakfast. Tears formed in the corner of his eyes from squeezing them tight. Watery drops spilled down his face as he fought for control. Rage at the feeling he was losing something so damn precious consumed him. Ennis's raised fist hit the porcelain sink next to toilet over and over again. He never felt the pain.

~~~~

Wyoming was a state of majestic mountains, beautiful clear skies, rolling rivers, and wide expanse of open range of grass, sometimes green, sometimes yellow, depending on the time of year. Visitors to the state were in awe of the cinematic landscape. The panoramic view of the land was lost on Ennis.

He and his old trusty, but raggedly truck rode full throttle down the highway. Ennis drew out every bit of speed his old faithful could handle and more. It rattled and shook, felt as though it would fall apart at the seams. But it wouldn't dare, not with Ennis behind the wheel. Ennis willed it as so.

Wyoming had a population of less than one half million people. It was one of the most sparse and inhabitable states in the country. One could drive up and down a number of highways and see only a few vehicles traveling the road. He came up on one and honked his horn. Kept pumping down on it, the horn sounding angrier by the moment. The driver had the grace to get the hell out of the way by pulling over to the side of the road to let Ennis by.

Not so much good luck with the upcoming obstacle. He drove up fast on the tail of trailer carrying a herd of cows. A big assed wide trailer dancing over the road. He honked the horn again. No reaction, damned thing moved a snail's pace. He slowed down a bit see if he could pass. He cursed out loud, "Git out of fuckin' way."

Of course no one heard Ennis.

The highway rose up to a point and curved. Blindsided until he could reach the bend of the curve going downhill. Ennis took his chances and passed the trailer on the wrong side of the highway. Held his breath and prayed no vehicles came speeding fast toward him.

He let out a breath of relief and then kick started the truck back into high speed and hauled assed. It was clear sailing for a while when another truck appeared in front of him. He hit the horn again. The blaring noise, startling. The truck seemed to slow down as he got closer. Then rolled over to the side of the highway.

Ennis skidded to a stop inches away from the tail of the truck. He hurled himself out through the door on the driver's side.

"Jesus, Ennis," Jack exclaimed, slamming his door shut. "Fuckin' lunatic. You almost crashed the back of ma truck."

"You deserve a smack on the arse," he yelled and grabbed Jack, yanking him bodily around to the other side of the truck away from the highway.

"What in hell the matter with you?" Disbelief written over Jack's face. His eyes had widen in shock as Ennis grabbed him by the head and pressed lips down on his mouth.

Partially hidden by Jack's big truck from the view of the highway, they stood there clinging to each other sucking tongues and air. Neither one of them was that crazy, though. They pulled apart. Jack still gasping from surprise, his eyes wide opened and tinted in the reddish color. Ennis bent down and kissed Jack's cheek tasting salty, moist skin and he knew. And he knew he could no longer do this to Jack. Twenty years of pain and tears had to stop somewhere. Jack had told him he loved him. Fuck being normal, whatever the hell normal was supposed to be, anyway.

"Come back home with me, rodeo." His voice pleading in way he hadn't ever done before.

A shit eating grin crawled over Jack's face and made Ennis's heart jump with gladness. "You sure?" Jack said.

"You bet, darlin'."

End


End file.
